I have been AWFUL about keeping up with this blog. I used to actually write, but now I seem to only post pictures + videos sometimes. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh! Here is a quick-ish run down:
It seems the older Hot Pocket gets, the busier I am. She walks so good now, always into something. She celebrated her 1st birthday on the 2nd of this month. It was pretty surreal for me. When everyone started singing Happy Birthday to her, it took everything in me not to cry. I got ridiculously misty, don’t think anyone noticed (thank goodness).
om nom nom!
HP has been doing a little better with leaving her glasses on. There were 2 days in a row this month where she left them on for a few hour chunks. It comes in waves. Ugh, as I typed the last 2 sentences she yanked her glasses off. I jinxed myself.
Maggie is now 23 lbs + 31 inches + can say:
“yes”
“no”
“YAY!”
“eyes”
“mama”
“what’s that?”
She is a pretty vocal little thing.
She likes to carry my (f-ing huge) purse around the house + play with my cell phone. 1 going on 16. Scary!
I wish Harry was home already, but it’s just me + HP for Valentine’s Day today. An Edible Arrangement would have helped the day pass by a little easier, but the Valentines Fairy didn’t visit this year.
You only need to vote once, they only ask you to fill out your name + email address. Don’t worry about them giving out your information; it clearly states on the form they will not do that.
Please, please, please! Momma could use a new Bissell. The dog owes me for barfing + shedding all over my house!
(I hate saying “black” because he is white too + it would hurt me if Maggie denied her white side.)
It strikes me on a personal level because we are a multi-racial family. I’m so proud that my daughter can have such a powerful figure to look up to + let her know that she too, as a person filed away in the race ‘other’ category, can do whatever she puts her mind + heart into.
This is one for both the history books AND the baby book!
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
- HAD A BABY!
- Moved across the country by myself.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- I never make resolutions. Ever. I feel they’re always in vain.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- I’ve had a lot of friends have babies this year, also my cousin had her 4th.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
- Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
- 1st year in a while that I haven’t been out of the US. None.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
- SEX. Someone to take the trash out for me + scoop the dog’s shit.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- January 22, 2008: my due date.
- Feb 2, 2008, of course! HP’s birthday!
- March 10, 2008: the day Harry left for Iraq (again).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- my biggest achievement of 2008 + my life is Maggie Elaine. *tear*
9. What was your biggest failure?
- putting everything I am on the back burner (IE: not exercising, not photoggin’, not going out to do any thing non-HP related).
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
- no unless having a C-section counts.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
- 2009 Volvo XC70. Harry + I are as one so I can say I bought it, right? omfg I love my car.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
- ME for putting up with all that I do + go through.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
- SW. the usual.
14. Where did most of your money go?
- other than rent, the move from TX to VA set us back a chunk. We had to pay for the movers, flying the dog, flying myself, shipping the Honda. . . yeah, it was a lot of money, but totally worth it.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
- getting the fuck out of Fort Hood + Harry coming back for R+R.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
- “come on getcha some donkey sperm!!!” a little ditty Harry came back on R+R singing. It’s catchy, I swear.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? same.
b) thinner or fatter? THINNER BY FAR.
c) richer or poorer? richer monetarily + spiritually. HP makes life so much rewarding.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
- exercise.
- taken non-HP pix.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
- Myspacing (it actually bores me now, thank God!) + breastfeeding. BFing is great + all, but man it literally sucked up all my time this year. Aint no shame in supplementing, honey! I will know for next time. . .
20. How did you spend Christmas?
- at my SIL’s.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
- with HP. It was the year all about her.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
- GOSSIP GIRL!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
- meh.
24. What was the best book you read?
- I don’t think I read a book all year, no time. I was given the new Augusten Burroughs novel for Christmas so I’m hoping to get through it in 2009.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- There are no new artists I like. I wish someone would put out some new good music. New Coldplay CD is awesome, but I’ve always liked them.
26. What did you want and get?
- I wanted to get out of TX + did, that was the main wish that was fulfilled.
27. What did you want and not get?
- I wanted a Mac laptop, but got a Dell. Don’t buy the Inspiron 1525 unless you like when your cursor goes where the fuck it wants to. POS.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
- The only movie I saw this year was “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2″ so that wins by default. I’m so behind cinematically.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- I went out to eat at Friendly’s with Wendy + Rachandt, followed by a Big Lots excursion. I turned 25.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
- Harry being home. Duh.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
- whatever fits.
32. What kept you sane?
- certainly not the sleep I got! being in VA helped a lot + just taking the year one day at a time.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
- Anthony Bourdain. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
- I got positively stirred by Obama being our president elect. I’m very excited to see what he will do for our country.
35. Who did you miss?
- considering we will be married 4 years come July + I’ve only been with him 1.5 of those years, my husband!
36. Who was the best new person you met?
- Sheena.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
- Enjoy your new baby because as the cliche goes, they grow up so fast. I was anxious for Maggie to be big so I could play with her, now that she is crawling around + 20 lbs, I wish she was teeny tiny + swaddled into a burrito again.
I’m very proud of myself. I’ve lost 2 lbs in 5 days! I’ve put in an hour at the gym 4 out of the past 5 days + I already feel a trillion times better. I enjoy my HP-free gym time, omfg I is in Heaven. I’m no model for fitness (yet), but I thought I would share some of the tricks I use/have used in the past to slim down. They may not be right/work for you, but they work for me.
1) Work out on an empty stomach in the morning.
2) Do moderate/intense cardio for at least 45 minutes ESPECIALLY if you’re pear-shaped like myself.
3) Keep your heart rate at the top of the fat burning/start of the cardio level (usually 130s-early 140s BPM) for as long as you can. It’s a challenging pace, but not to the point where you can’t keep it up for a while.
4) Drink ice water while you work out (your body burns more calories).
5) Weigh yourself daily prior to your work out. This helps me stay on track + encourages me to eat better/work harder that day if my weight goes up.
6) If you aren’t in running shape, crank the treadmill’s incline up to 10+ and walk briskly. It burns the same amount of calories + tightens up your boonkie.
7) Eat what you normally eat, but just have smaller portions.
8 ) Wear tight pants/capris/shorts when you exercise; jiggling uses up energy which can make you feel more tired + cut your work out short.
9) Weight train every other day/every few days to allow muscles to relax on the off days.
11) Try to be on the look out for new, fun songs for your MP3 player so you don’t get bored.
10) Go day by day, focus on small goals. If you break your goal weight loss number up, you will less likely to get overwhelmed + quit.
I have no doubt I will achieve my fitness goals, I’ve done it before. Too bad when I looked/felt slammin’, I thought I could stand to lose weight! You never know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone!
I don’t think these guys are ugly, far from it! But they are most definitely not on the sexiest menz in all the world list.
Who knows if it’s the fact I only get to have sex every other year or what, but I’d do them in no particular order:
seth rogen
His voice. His jew ‘fro. He is fucking HILARious. I don’t care if he is chunky or thin, he can come on over + knock me up (heh) or get freaky and geeky (heh heh) any time!
jon gosslin
He is half Korean, a great dad to a bajillion kids, fixes stuff + puts up with a bitchy high strung wife. Now that’s hot! Come on, HP would blend right in with the family!
plus 9?
I saved the best for last. . .
anthony bourdain
I would have NO reservations (tee hee) about doing the old in + out with Tony! The man can cook, is worldy, has tats (ohhhh naughty boy) + omfg the hair; the curly salt + pepper locks seal the sexy deal. Who cares if he could be my dad?! I’d tap that old ass.
googled 'tony holding his cock'. . . it was too good to be true.
This past Tuesday Maggie turned 10 months old. Holy shit balls! My baby is almost one year old + here I am still unable to get into my old pre-preggers pants, shirts and bras! I no longer nurse as much as I used to so my weight loss has all together halted so it’s way past due time to take my wide ass back to the gym.
Before Maggie was born, Harry being the wonderful generous supportive husband that he is, bought me an elliptical. I fretted over the fact that the gyms on post did not allow babies so Harronks came to the rescue. It’s a great machine except for the fact it’s so fucking loud that it wakes the baby every damn time I attempt to use it. FAIL. I gave up on it. Have a long peaceful HP nap time where I can blog, nap +/or shower leisurely OR work out for 15 minutes then deal with a cranky Pocket? Decisions, decisions.
Honestly that is a very legit excuse to why my fat ass makes my fat ass look fat, but I won’t BS any more excuses. I’ve just been lazy these past 10 months + it needs to stop. I don’t hate how I look, but I’m not comfortable or confident with the body I now possess. To think only a couple years ago I was a gym bunny + actually enjoyed shopping for new clothes is a kick in the she nuts. I miss those times + there is no reason why I can’t look + feel good again.
I heard through the mommy grapevine that YMCA provides child care so I hauled HP over to the Y to check things out. The facility is really nice, so clean + inviting. The staff is friendly + calls patrons by their names. I love the child care center. It has tons of neat play areas + toys + the attendants are all mothers themselves so they know what to do. I went in, planned on shelling out the bucks because this Shamu’s gotta do what she gotta do + was happily surprised to not owe a dime. The YMCA gives free memberships to the spouses + immediate family of soldiers serving overseas. AHHHHHH YO! Now I really do not have any excuse not to be a MILF.
HP loooooooooooooves going to the child care center. She doesn’t miss me at all or cries when I leave. All the ladies there love her; she is always so happy + well behaved for them. I don’t feel guilty leaving her with them, she truly has a blast. I know because I’ve peeked in on her multiple times. You know what makes it all more the better? Shit is free, dog. I consider it a trade off. I don’t get peen or have anyone to take the trash out so I get a free gym membership. Don’t hate.
Tomorrow will be my 3rd workout in my new regime. I refuse to talk numbers, but I’m 15 lbs away from my conception weight + 25 away from my goal weight. Kinda seems like a lot, but in perspective I don’t think HP feels that heavy + she is 20 lbs. I’m looking at it like that as not to get frustrated.
I’ve been focusing on attempting to get back into running (I cannot believe I did this, I’m still in pain BTW) since for my body type, that is the quickest/basically only way to see any sort of change in my tree trunk legs figure. I feel like my lungs are shot-glass sized. I cannot catch my breath. So yeah, my body exterior + interior is pissing me off right now. I’m sure things will get easier soon; I tend to get in shape semi-fast, at least I did in the past. Not only tomorrow do I need to workout, but I need to find some workout clothes. Right now I’m wearing my old, pre-baby stuff + it is not pretty. I pray that my climacool capris don’t split down the back because I, um, don’t wear draws to the gym. Shut up! If you do you’re asking for a wedgie yeast infection! I wore 2 sports bras today to hold down the twins. Wowza.
I’m sure you’ve all seen the Sleep Number commercial featuring that infectious (not in the good way) song “23 Days” by country girl (duh) group SHeDAISY. If you haven’t had the pleasure pain of seeing the ad. . .
The song doesn’t make a damn lick of sense. These country twits think that eagles can’t fly. Maybe instead of getting into a Sleep Number bed, these bitches need to find someone with a brain to write their songs.
But Biscuit, how do you even know a baby needs glasses? How can they tell what prescription she needs?
Man, I dunno what is more annoying: trying to get HP to keep her spectacles on her face or having to answer those questions. I mean, people, have you never heard of Google or Wikipedia?
I will break it on down for you:
Instead of reading the chart, they showed Maggie different toys to entice her to glance where needed. Her eyes were looked into with a light, her pupils were dilated + the doctor held different strength hand-held lenses (as opposed to that funny eye machine at adult eye appointments where the doc switches around the lenses + asks you which one looked clearer) to HP’s eyes + got her prescription that way. It all seemed fairly simple + we were in + out of the office in no time.
How did I know Maggie couldn’t see? I didn’t. I got hit by a ton of shit bricks when the doctor announced my daughter couldn’t see worth a lick. I took her to the eye doctor because I noticed one of her eyes seemed lazy. Sometimes it would look off to the side while the other eye looked straight ahead. I walked in the doctor’s office expecting to be told I was a paranoid 1st time mother or at the worse be given a patch to cover the eye a la Dannie Lynn (Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter).
The doctor says the Exotropia (IE: wall eye) should go away in time with her wearing her glasses. If it still persists after 4 years, he will do a simple non-invasive surgery to repair the eye.
We got Hot Pocket 2 pairs of glasses: pink + purple as seen in the photographs. She has been a cranky ass grouch since we left the doctor. Of course she played it off in the office like she didn’t notice them or care, but the second she got in her carseat, those wet lil’ fingers ripped those glasses off! I can’t bribe her to wear them so it’s just going to require a lot of patience for the both of us to get accustomed to them. “NO TITTY MILK FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY!” isn’t going to work unfortunately.
HP has always favored her father, but now the glasses make look even more like him. She inherited his looks + his mole eyes.
On the way home from the doctor we stopped by Wally World (gah, I know) to pick up a few things. I heard, “I didn’t know babies could have to wear glasses” 2x. Really, neither did I until a couple weeks ago. Granted they both said the glasses looked cool, I know I’m going to have people all up in my business twofolds now. Oh, joy.
I am very thankful though that glasses are all we have to worry about + her vision can be fixed. HP is super healthy, active, smart, ahead of all her milestones, friendly + drop dead gorge. What? That’s what they tell me!
I’m going to have to be SUPER on my toes now since when she couldn’t see but a few feet in front of her face she was ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE + into EVERYTHING. Oh man, the curiosity is going to be out of control now. Hold me.
Molly may annoy the piss out of me sometimes A LOT, but the one thing I can say about my corn chip footed best friend is that she is well trained + polite. I wish I could say this about most dogs I encounter, but sadly a majority of dogs I come across are fucking retarded. I about slit a dog owner’s neck at the dog park 10 minutes ago because both her dogs were out. of. fucking. control. She just sat back as her dogs bum rushed us at the gate, laughing as they escaped + snarled at Molly inches away from HP chillin’ in the stroller. Oh fucks no, honey child! Molly barked, “BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER!” in dog tongue + guarded Pocket like a wall.
One of the worthless pieces of crap had big ol’ balls flappin’ against his taint, obviously old enough to be neutered. Come on, if you have no intentions of breeding your dog then have them altered already. Don’t say it’s cruel because I believe it’s more cruel not to. Aside from unwanted puppies being born, dogs with balls can only think of 2 things: gettin’ dat poon tang + food. Pair balls with a lazy pet owner + you get one riled up furry heathen.
It’s not cute or funny to let your dog(s) be an asshole to other dogs or people especially babies in Transition glasses! You can take your dog to Pet Smart for training all you want, but if you don’t enforce the techniques at home then you not only are putting your money directly into a trash can, but are also enabling thug dogitis.
So please my gentle reader, don’t let your dog be gangster especially if they’re fugmo because we all know if you’re ugly you need to be A) nice +/or B) smart to make up for it.
One of the major reasons I got a Word Press blog is so I could see how people found my blog. I’m totally nosy + love seeing what people Google.
Apparently a couple of people today were concerned their dogs may be retarded, got 2 hits from someone searching for “retarded dogs”. Perhaps it was the lady from the dog park? Hmmm, here’s hopin’!
I’ve also been found by people looking for, “my name is biscuit” + “biscuit name”. That’s me, beotch!
Man, I totally am excited for how people find me if/when I write a totally stank dirty bird blog.
If there is a free sample online, in-store, wherever, I am alllllll over it like stank on shit. I love the thrill of sampling especially now when our economy sucks the biggest most herpes infested donkey balls ever. Just the other night after HP had zonked out, I spent my evening Googling free samples + lemme ya tell, Wal-Mart.com is what’s up. They have THE best highest quality freebies except for one place. . . the one place I frequent monthly + can never leave empty handed:
SEPHORA! I went today to Sephora for some Bare Escentuals pimple concealer/healer because on the real, I look like a meth head. I could throw on a beehive + pass as Amy Winehouse right now. I have oodles of scabs all over my face from picking at my zits. I can’t help it though, it’s so much fun, like peeling dried up glue or dead skin after a bad sunburn. I ran out of spot treatment last week + have been too cheap/lazy to go buy more.
The beauty of Sephora is that you can get a sample of ANY THING in the store so I rolled HP through there throwing acne wash, moisturizer, spot treatments, face masks left + right into my hand basket. I loaded up hardcore this time, was so shameless. I handed my 5 lb basket-o-high end beauty goodies to a saleslady + asked ever so sweetly for samples to be made. She looked down, eyes all big + said, “Of all this?”
FUCKS YEAH!
They can’t say no + plus, H Pac was with me + she is so cute, people surrender to her. Hey, I may not be able to fit in my old jeans quite yet + I have huge annoying milky hooters, but I get whatever I want when I flash that child. Totally worth it.
I is not a boy!
She looked REALLY adorable today too. I dressed her in a puffy sleeved tee with lil’ pink bunnies + flower buds on it, floral bib, Levi’s + these socks that look like Mary Jane shoes. She wore her pink glasses to match her ensemble, complete with pink stroller.
As we strolled for 20 mins around Sephora as my multitude of samples were being made, an older woman complimented Hot Pocket, saying, “OH MY! WHAT A HANDSOME YOUNG BOY!”
This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, like the 3rd or 4th time in the past couple weeks. I always dress the baby very girlie, mostly in pink or purple at all times. I guess since it’s the day + age of metrosexuals + mass productions of pink polos that it could be harder to tell the gender of HP. . .
or basically you need to get your fucking eyes checked, old fart.
It hasn’t been a fun past couple of days dealing with HP’s glasses. She is not used to them yet + insists on yanking them off + eating them or, my personal favorite, smashing them repeatedly into whatever hard surface she is closest to at the moment. I spank the hand the glasses are in + sternly say, “NO!”+ put them back on her face. HP screams. Poor Molly slinks off to her box because she thinks I’m yelling at her. . . it’s a mess.
It’s drilled into your head over + over + over when you’re pregnant that breast is best for your baby. There are commercials supporting breastfeeding on city buses, bulletin boards, the Internet, television, radio, EVERYWHERE. They point out that breast milk is nutritious, FREE, no bottles to wash, it helps prevent breast cancer in both mother + baby. . .
but I found out a fun fact over the weekend that I think they are forgetting to tell the public:
It gets you out of jury duty!
I got summoned to be a potential juror + on the questionaire they ask if I breastfeed my baby. CHECK.
Am I the sole care provider to my child? CHECK.
This bitch aint going to court any damn time soon! SCORE!
Hot Pocket still hates her glasses. I decided I’m just going to make her wear them when she actually cooperates as opposed to yelling at her every minute just to have the glasses smashed into a toy seconds later. She is just so stankin’ happy without them. . . Lord, I wish my baby could see.
Tonight is going to be GLORIOUS. Season premieres of 2 of my favorite guilty pleasures: ‘The Office’ + ‘Grey’s Anatomy’! OMFG! The wait has been almost impossible to handle. I’ve been having Dwight Schrute withdrawls, “MICHAEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!” It’s cruel how the networks both start the shows at the same time. I will have to watch one online Sunday night when I get home from my parents’. They live in the sticks, on dial-up. Shoot me now. I still haven’t decided which show to tune into, only have a couple hours left to decide. Brain frying, OHH NOES!
So many of you know that my husband is currently deployed in Iraq + is coming home October 20th for 18 days of hot sex + me time because he can babysit + as excited as I am for the visit, I can’t stop thinking about what I should do. You see, I am not on the pill because I’m not having sex + am breastfeeding. The doctors gave me 3 months worth of mini-pills (they don’t dry up your milk very much) when I left the hospital after having Hot Pocket. I took one pack just in case Harry wanted to get him a piece before he went off to war (HP was 5 weeks old when he left), but stopped taking them for reasons mentioned above.
Last month around this time I started spotting, nothing worth even a lite tampon + once again, I started spotting again today. I’m thinking I’m once again fertile since HP doesn’t want ninny as much any more + is on to jar baby food for dinner. If I’m on a somewhat normal cycle, I have a pretty good chance of getting pregnant when Harry comes back next month. I checked out an ovulation calendar today + lo + behold I am fertile the 1st week of November.
But Biscuit, you JUST had HP this year! I know, I know, I must sound like an insane bitch to you, but I have my reasons to be considering baby #2. I will be here in Virginia until the start of 2010 then we will most likely be sent elsewhere in the US or alllll the way across the globe. My husband wants/needs to take a challenging command + there are none in my wonderful VA. I really wanted my mom to be there when HP was 1st born; she didn’t meet her until she was already 4.5 months old. If I have baby #2 this coming year, our families can be there for those precious first few months. I will have help with the kids too. If I wait + have baby #2 in a few years, I won’t have any family or close friends to lean on whatsoever + once again, our families won’t get to meet their new grandbaby until who knows when. My family would never in a million years be able to fly abroad to visit us (cost, both work FT + my brother is in high school) + as of right now, it’s looking like going CONUS (outside of the continental US) is a serious possibility.
Another plus side of having baby #2 right away is that I would get to give birth in a normal civilian hospital + receive proper pre-natal care. Granted, Fort Hood was pretty decent to me especially during HP’s birth + the days after, but I wasn’t allowed to even be seen there until I was into my 2nd trimester for pre-natal care. WTF is that shit?? I HAD to see a mid-wife too, no choice of getting a doctor unless I was high risk. Mid wives are highly trained + all that, but it’s the fact I did not get a choice in the matter that pissed me off. Plus when I was waddling around in my 41st week of pregnancy, they were all about me pumping my breasts + inserting herbs into my vah-jay-jay instead of just inducing me or giving me a c-section already!
HP fun fact: I went into labor the day prior to my induction, waited it out as long as I could + went to the hospital the day of my induction. All the rooms were full + a mid-wife told me they were going to have to let me go + advised me to walk around my neighborhood. A different mid-wife came to me after her + said she wanted to keep me on the monitors just 10 minutes longer just in case + I am so thankful she did. HP’s heart rated dipped dangerously low into the 20’s + she would have died had I gone back home. I was 41 weeks 5 days.
Normal doctors don’t make you go that long. They have tee times to meet, shit.
I feel like an only child. I’m 25, my brother is 13. I hated growing up alone + always + still do wish I had someone I could talk to + hang out with who shared the same genes. My brother is autistic which makes the social stuff + bonding extremely if not impossibly difficult PLUS factor in that ginormous age gap. It’s insane. I want a big family. I want my children to have siblings especially for when we’re not around any more.
The obvious cons regarding baby #2 so soon are as follows:
- still not back to pre-baby weight (shut up, I gained 70 lbs + only have 10 more to go!)
- I’m tired.
- 2 babies in dipes. Pampers will be our pimp.
- I wonder if it’s fair to HP even.
- I may have to tandem breastfeed if my milk doesn’t dry up completely when I’m preggers.
- obvious financial crap (need another crib, may need glasses, new clothes if I have a boy, would need a 3 bedroom home)
Is there ever really a right/good time to have a baby though? Man, I am just at my wit’s end. Plus, since I started spotting today that means if I am going to bite the bullet + go on the pill for a month then I need to start next Thursday which means I need to make a decision. And please, don’t tell us to use condoms or any of that shit because 1) Harry is sensitive to them + sheepskin are fucking foul + 2) if your man was at war + sex deprived for 8 months, would you make him wear a rubber or trust him to pull out? I didn’t think so.
Still haven’t decided on ‘The Office’ or ‘Grey’s’ yet. Damn.
The BIG debate made me so anxious, man. I haven’t seen so much eye rollin’ since high school cat fights. I was on the edge of my recliner waiting for McCain to rip out his fucking disgusting hideously yellow dentures + holler, “I know that black bitch did not!”
Next time they need to Jello wrestle it out. Just thinking about it makes me so excited because, like omfg, have you SEEN Obama? That thing is delicious.
But seriously Mr McCain, don’t come back with, “I’m a Maverick, Sarah Palin is a Maverick blah blah blah” because that is just fucking retarded. Way to have nothing to say because you know your plans are whack + you got called out on your shit.
Gobama.
I’m on my old crusty desktop right now because my 6 month old Dell Inspiron is out of commission. The motherfuckerboard bit the bullet this weekend. Dude, you shoulda gotta Mac.
I know I’m a little late in this, but it’s been bothering me since the song came out many moons ago. . .
‘Bleeding Love’ by Leona Lewis is pretty catchy, but it irritated me at the same time because I knew I’d heard the song before. It took me a while to figure it out, but after hearing the jam for the trillionth time last night on the way home from the in-laws, it came to me:
‘I Had the Time of My Life’ mixed with ‘Hollaback Girl’
Seriously. It’s an exact hybrid of those 2 songs. Now go grab your Ipod + I will prove it to you.
Hot Pocket has a serious case of grabby hands lately. If you have something, she wants it! One of the things she wants to get her hands + mouth on the most is her sister’s beloved hamhock:
It gives Mags quite the work out to chase Molly around the house to get that nasty thing.
HP’s new 6 week old friend Callie came over to visit this week, dunno if she will wanna come back:
I have to film HP when she is concentrating hard on something or when she isn’t looking because this happens when I don’t:
I am going to have my hands full from here on out, need to baby proof the apartment this weekend. I miss when HP was just a lump who liked to be put into a burrito, but she’s still pretty darn cute.
I am so shitting my pants right now. My husband will be home in a mere 12 days! OMFG can I get an AHHHHHHHHH YO + an AMENNNNNNN!?!? I haven’t seen him since March 10th + I am pining to sniff behind his ear, have my toes popped, someone to take out the trash + babysit both dog + HP. Man, I am going to have THE LIFE for 18 days.
As excited as I am, it’s not enough to keep me awake at night; I have Miss Pocket if you’re nasty for that. That girl has been getting up 3+ times a night over the past few days + it’s making me wanna Google baby casserole recipes! I can’t tell if she’s teething, growing or just being a butthole for sport. Last night I let her fuss, fuss + fuss some more in the crib. I refused to go to her. I propped pillows up on either side of her so she couldn’t roll around + smash into the crib bars (cause for a majority of current HP sleep issues) + I nursed her around 930 when she woke up for the first time of many so I know she wasn’t hungry. HP never cried, just bitched all. damn. night. Just when I thought she was asleep I heard MMMM. MMMM. MMMMMM coming from down the hallway. Tonight I plan to close her bedroom door so I can sleep through the whines. Real cries can permeate the door, trust me. It’s time for someone to learn how to soothe her own damn self + more importantly, for me to semi-sleep like a normal human again.
She has been a she-beast all day, so mean that she wouldn’t even eat her some titty without fussin’ between chugs. I was resorted to making the biggest burrito ever:
I is swaddled!
Harry will be home so that leads me to believe I will get to take naps since he can occupy or take the baby out + about, but I don’t think there will be time for such heavenly treats. Our agenda is packed full of crap to do, it’s ridiculous. First + foremost, we need to pick up our new car, go to Myrtle Beach for a few days, go to the Baltimore Aquarim with his folks, go to church, take Maggie to Maymont to see the otters, go to the pumpkin patch, do whatever Halloween festivity there is to do, hopefully spend lots of quality time alone as a family here at the new apartment + make Harry Mars V. Whew! There is no time to rest, 18 days is just not enough.
If you noticed that last to-do, you will see I made my decision on whether or not to try for HP #2. I’ve decided that if I get pregnant then I get pregnant. It’s cool. If not, it’s okay too. Either way we are very blessed + if it’s the right time then it will happen.
You know the world needs a 5th generation of this:
My husband + his fellow asian pal ordered these, had them sent to Iraq. Bring the troops home, man. They bored!
Pocket is a rock star. She has been a busy gal this week with crawling + pulling up!!! She cuts a rug on the rug! Girlfriend is on a mission everyday, thankfully the electric sockets are protected.
Maggie has been semi-crawling for a while now, lunging herself forward + rolling to where she wants to be. Now she crawls like a damn pro! She enjoys playing fetch with me.
You’ll notice she’s not wearing her glasses in the video; she still insists on frantically nom nomming them. If I can get her to wear them 3 hours out of the day, I’m lucky. I met a mom in the mall who told me her son got glasses when he was 6 months old. She said he would leave his glasses on when she put him down for a nap in them. When he woke up he saw clearly so he never thought to take them off. I tried this trick with HP today + she had herself a spectacles post-nap snack! Progress is slow with her adapting to them, but I have noticed a drastic decrease in any wall eye activity.
You’d think the filthy rich would lavish their children with the best + most meticulous health care in the world, but obviously not:
Exotropia is hot, bitch.
How did the Hiltons not notice their kid had a wonky eye?!?
I took Maggie to the eye doctor today to get her glasses repaired + while we were in the office, one of the ladies asked if HP could be on the cover of their brochure! I of course graciously accepted + sent them oodles of Pocket pix to choose just the right one for her modeling debut! This opportunity is not only great for HP, but for me too since I get to have my photograph published. YEAHHH!
because in fingers crossed less than 72 hours I will be back in the arms of my husband after 7 months + 10 days!!! ZOMFG I COULD TOTALLY SHIT MY PANTS RIGHT NOW!!! Can you imagine how excited he is considering when he left, HP looked like this?!:
can’t get over the extreme nostril flaring or Harry’s ashy knuckles!
I’m totally expecting Harry to cry at the airport when he lays eyes + hands on our now big portly Hot Pocket or at the very least smile so hard his face breaks. Maggie’s 1st smile was at her daddy; she thought he was the biggest trip. I’m sure things will go right back to usual come Monday.
shit, bitch you are hilar!
HP grates my nerves a lot, but sometimes when she naps longer than usual, I miss the bitch. I cannot fathom being across the world missing so much of my only child’s life. To only see photos + videos must be the biggest tease for Harry. I know his heart must ache so bad everyday being unable to cradle his little girl. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday, how proud + excited he was to cut her cord + present her to me for the 1st time.
It’s going to be the best + quickest 18 days ever + harder than the 1st time to say goodbye all over again.
the 1st goodbye 3-10-2008
You may not hear from me for a while, I’ll be too busy having the time of my life. Be prepared to be flooded with pictures + videos when you do hear from me again!
because homeboy can write! Here is a letter he wrote to McDonald’s this evening:
“Hello,
I’m active duty military and am currently on leave from a second tour in Iraq.I’ve had the opportunity to visit your locations in Kuwait while traveling from the United States to Baghdad, Iraq over the past few years.I couldn’t help but notice the caliber and quality of service I got while visiting those locations.The quality of the meals were excellent and they looked exactly like the pictures embedded in the menus.The employees could barely speak English but were extremely courteous and went out of their way to ensure my experience was enjoyable.I recently visited a Richmond, VA location while on leave and was appalled at the quality in the meals that I ordered and the blah service that I received.I know it was an isolated event at one location but it stuck with me because I thought to myself, “how is it that people thousands of miles away can display excellent customer service to me a foreigner and make high quality meals that actually look like the product they’re trying to sell here in America where the franchise originated, I get a Big Tasty combo and two double cheese burgers for my family that a.) didn’t taste half as good as the stuff in Kuwait and b.) didn’t even look like the wonderful pictures displayed on the your menus.”I’m not looking for anything special rather I just want to know why we can’t get this right here in our own backyard?There is definitely a lack of pride in what you all do here stateside.Please fix this.
-CPT Mars”
On a side note, there was a huge Amazonian whore who lived in the dorms with me + the boys called her “Big + Nasty”.
1) If your period is late + you take a pregnancy test, your period will magically show up within 24 hours.
2) If you get a wild hair (literally) up your ass to do your hair when you’re a simple wash N go girl, it will either be windy as shit +/or rainy that day. (Maybe I should watch the Weather Channel, huh?)
3) It’s the one day you put on fresh nice clothing after spending a week in dirty lounge wear that your baby will spew Gerber chicken noodle soup. all. over. you. the couch. the crib. the universe.
Please forgive me, but I’m in the mood to bitch. If you were looking here to be inspired or what the fuck ever then seek elsewhere!
When Harry was home on R+R, we went with his parents to the Baltimore Aquarium. We were looking at some you guessed it fish + I was taking a picture of Harry with Maggie when this cunt tapped me on my shoulder.
“If you turn your flash on, you will get better pictures”
Hmmmm. . . I did not see this bitch when I was enrolled at an art school majoring in photography for 4 years.
“I do have my flash on you fucking nosy low budget bitch (OMFG when Kim called NeNe that on The Real Housewives of ATL, I nearly lost my shit). My pictures are coming out fine”.
“Well, I saw on your screen that it was all dark”, replied LBB (low budget bitch).
FYI: I have a Nikon D80. When I review my images, the picture momentarily shows on the LCD screen then goes back to black.
“Look, I will show you, they’re coming out fine. I’m bouncing my flash against the ceiling so I don’t get a glare from the glass”.
*stuck d80 screen all UP in LBB’s eye*
fish snack = hot pocket
“Oh. Well. I was just trying to help. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in things. . . “
What a dumb broad. You see me shooting pictures with a non-bobo* camera + you think I dunno WTF I’m doing?! Bitch, you need to go ‘head! I mean, that comment pissed me off more than when people tell me I should put socks on HP because she might be cold.
BTW, my baby’s feet are always sweaty + they stank. like. man. feet! I contain the funk when HP is actually chilly, k? Thanks.
GET A LIFE YOU SICK FREAK! GET OUT YOUR MOTHER’S BASEMENT + FIND A GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD OF BROWSING FOR BEASTIALITY PORN! omfg. Thanks for the blog traffic, I suppose. Gah.
I’m really trying to be a good sport about this, but remember that Halloween contest I entered HP in? Well, they picked their 20 finalists + guess who didn’t make the cut? Sighhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. What a goddamn kick in the she nuts. They are fucking insane + apparently blind. Looks like HP isn’t the only one who needs glasses, right?
If you’re asking yourself, “WTF is that pink shit?!” then please write a hasty letter to the fucktards over at Parents Magazine for some of their great finalist choices. C’mon, a sock monkey or a hair ball a cat wharfed up after ODing on Pepto? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
Bitter? YOU FUCKIN’ BETCHA.
Through my strife, I turn to this for a cheap, quick pick me up:
Have a fierce Monday!
Kisses!
*bobo= adjective. broke. ghetto. gangster. run of the mill. nothing special. tore up from the floor up. stank.
I took HP to the doctor a couple weeks ago for her 9 month check up. She is 29 inches long + 18 lbs 10 oz. She is in the 95th percentile for height (super tall), but in the 20th percentile for weight. I think HP looks perfect, just the write amount of pot belly + neck rolls, but her pediatrician disagreed. She asked me what I was feeding her + requested that I bring her back in 1 month to ensure she is gaining weight.
The ped also asked if HP is still getting up throughout the night, told her she was 1-2x. She told me Maggie cannot possibly be hungry + I should let her cry it out. I told her that I can hear her tummy growling over her fussing, but she quickly snapped back with, “those are normal digestive sounds, she can’t possibly be hungry”.
Okay so my kid is too skinny, but I shouldn’t feed her when she is starving? Makes me question if I should go through the trouble of finding a new ped.
International House of HP!
Here is a friendly mommy tip from yours truly:
Do NOT feed your baby anything with tomato sauce/paste because it will never ever ever come out regardless if you pre-treat, wash multiple times + scrub the stain so hard with a toothbrush that the color fades, but not the stain itself. Hey Billy Maise, Oxyclean SUCKS!
I’m a new mom so I’m not sure how much spit up/barf is normal, but it seems to me that HP spews up everything I feed her. I even started making her food like processed bananas, strawberries + sweet taters thinking that not only would the foods be better for her, but possibly cause less up chuck. That was simply wishful thinking.
Molly follows Maggie around the house like a sucker fish on a shark just waiting for her to cut loose the juice. It used to bring me close to blowing chunks myself, but she saves me oodles in Resolve + the need to buy a steam cleaner. Yesterday I changed HP’s clothes 5x because the spit up would not give it a rest. She even flopped her boonkie in a huge pile. . . ahhh crawling, yet another reason I despise thee!
To my readers with itty bitty babes who can barely hold their necks up:
Enjoy this time. The time where there are no worries about them rolling off the bed to their deaths, sticking their fingers into sockets, sucking on your cell phone to the point where it gets so slobber-logged no one can hear you when you call them, when they just let you hold them without fussing + wriggling out of your arms. . .
I know when HP was little little, I longed for her to be big so we could play + she would be more interesting. I miss those days so much. I miss my baby. It was like one morning I woke up to a toddler without any warning. A toddler that likes to eat the rails of her crib + bites my nipple when she doesn’t want any more ninny. She screams when she is contained in any kind of way, but when she is loose I can’t keep her out of the dog’s bowls + it appears she has a personal mission to crack our new tv’s screen. Did I mention she only says, “MAMAMA” when she is upset? It’s sweet + annoying at the same time.
does Target carry earplugs? omfg.
It blows my mind that in 2.5 months Maggie will turn 1.
Time goes by too fast except for when nap + bedtime are near.
I know you’re man’s best friend, but I don’t think that applies to me. You’re on my shit list, girlfriend + I have to let it off my chest:
1) Why can’t you piss or shit on a leash? WHY? I can stand outside behind our apartment where it’s more frigid than a witch’s titty for 10 minutes + you do nothing, but sniff. I get sick of waiting around + trudge over to the dog park where you instantly piss + shit off leash.
2) Sometimes I refuse to take you to the park + what do you do? Do you have to wake me up crying 30 minutes before HP gets up for her routine titty chugging at the ass crack of dawn? Bitch, you should’ve shit when you had the opportunity! I would let you shit in your box if there was anyone else here capable of cleaning it up!
3) Why do you always have to follow me into the nursery when I check on HP while she is sleeping? Every time you go in there you always shake invisible water off your stank body + your fucking tortilla shaped ears smack against your empty skull + wakes the baby. You do know there is a ‘pets’ section on Craigs List, right?
4) Do you gargle with a cocktail from the sewage treatment plant? Goddamn your bark hole smells like a dirty woman.
5) Hey dog, let the Chinese man hang his menus on the door without you “fish pussying” in my house. Next time this happens, you better pray I have Febreze on hand. Fuck you, anal glands!
6) You will be snoring all loud up in that box, rubbing it in my face how I don’t get to sleep, but the second I get something to eat, it’s as if you downed speed with a Red Bull. There is nothing here for you to eat, flea cunt. You only come out of your box when you think you can mooch off me.
7) The corn chip aroma emitting from your paws. . . PLEASE LORD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY A DOG’S FOOT HAS TO SMELL LIKE FRITOS!!!
You do nice things sometimes like kill bugs or lap up Maggie hurl, but other than that, you do not earn your keep.
HP is rendered useless when you nom nom nom on her tummy these days. She is destined to be a model or actress because the second the sees me flip out my Flip, she gets so serious + won’t laugh! Major camera whore!
One of my favorite mommy/baby moments is when I lay my head on her chest + look up at her sweet face. I tried to capture it in this video so I will never forget it. I heart her neck roll.
My mom is a cat lady. She takes care of 20+ wild cats. It took mom the longest time to get a new pair of glasses because all her spare money went into spaying/neutering one of the trillion cats living in her yard. Mom plays the lottery weekly; when I asked her if she would buy a new house if she ever won, she said, “No, because then there would be no one to take care of my cats. I would just fix up the house we have”. Bitch is dedicated to her pussies, man.
“I has a cleft lip!” – Soul Cat
When I went home for Thanksgiving, I took my family’s Christmas card picture for them. They have a huge holly tree in the front yard so we all went outside for the photo shoot. On the way back inside, I stepped into a huge pile of cat shit. Those fur bitches eat good too. Mom has troughs for them + refills them 2x daily. The poor poor poor New Balances didn’t come clean with scrubbing + water so mom put ‘em in a Ziplock bag + I had to wear a spare pair of her Crocs home. O. M. F. G. Thank God I didn’t have to stop any where!
I have washed my cat shit drenched sneaks 3x tonight + they still reek of puss innards. You see, the problem is when you wash shoes, they float sole up. I live in 2008, I’m not hand washing a thing!
The topping on the cat shit cake is this:
I was standing holding HP outside. All of a sudden I feel needles all over my right calf. A dumbass cat was clawing the fuck out of me!!! I had accidentally stepped on his paw. Mom saw + laughed. She said, “Wouldn’t you be pissed if someone stepped on your paw?!” Standing up for the cat when I had blood dripping out my leg. . .
I do love LOL cats however.
BONUS RANT:
I fucking hate how white man pronounces “diabetes” like ol’ LOL cat up there.
He breaks it the fuck on down with his diabeetuses.
I am very excited because with Christmas around the corner, I have an excuse to send out greeting cards! Yeahhhhh! I love snail mail goodies, both sending + receiving them! I found an awesome card site, they have a ton of great designs + cute ideas to choose from. I placed my order tonight + can’t wait to get ‘em so I can send them out to you guys the people worth postage fees. I hemmed + hawed over which design suited our 1st Christmas with HP needs best, a lot of brain smoke was produced during such a feat.
It took everything in me not to get this one:
tacky + glorious = holiday cheer
I was going to mail out a card chock full of HP goodness, but then would have to pay + use even more energy to print out + put a family portrait inside each one so nixed this idea:
your fave HP expressions including the ever popular HAPPY SNIFFY!
Cards are the only exciting part of the holidays for me. I DETEST shopping especially when everyone in the family is overly picky. I know HP would much prefer trash over treasure so I’m debating how much + what to get her. HP is a very physical little woman. She’s been crawling + cruising for months now + lately has been standing without any assistance! Each day I am on edge waiting for that 1st step. . . I’m thinking HP would be fucking thrilled with a little cart/push type deal so she can walk around with some assistance. Bitch has always been a thrill seeker:
future base jumper.
It would benefit us both because if she’s holding onto the toy then her slobbery hands can’t be grabbing onto her glasses, my laptop, my drinks, getting DVDs out of the drawers, gnawing on my shoes, etc etc etc.
they see HP rollin', they hatin'.
HP got SOL with the whole birthday thing, being so close to Christmas + all. I cannot believe my baby is almost 1! WTF where did the year go?! I, to this day, have phantom baby kicks in my belly! Time has fucking flown! I have the holidays + a 1st birthday to plan + shop for. Ugh. Can you imagine HP rollin’ around on this?!?
happy birfday, shawty!
Well shit bitches, I should get started designing her 1st birthday invites. . . wowza.
I was feeling very Christmassy last night. After I ordered my hot holiday cards, I bit the bullet + bought HP some toys. There was so much to choose from, very overwhelming for a 1st time Santa, but here is what ended up in my cart on my Visa bill:
Munchkin Mozart Magic Cube
Hasbro Busy Ball Popper
Leap Frog Learn + Groove Musical Table
Fisher-Price Go Baby Go! Bounce + Spin Zebra
Lamaze Balancing Bug Stacker
I suggested to my parents to get her a nice push cart.
There you have it, HP’s 1st Christmas loot. I am going to hide away one or two of the bigger toys to give to her for her birthday.
What are you getting your chitlins for Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hunakkah?!!? Any toys I should include for my almost 1 year old?
My hair + I have a love/hate relationship. I love how it looks when it’s all nice, clean + flowy, but the effort to even get the mess somewhat tangle free is riDONKulous. I’ve never had my hair as long as it is now + of course now is the most annoying time to have it because HP is notoriously grabby handsy + I barely have time to was my boonkie let alone do anything with my hair besides a frizzy ponytail. You should see how fast I go through shampoo + conditioner too. This bitch needs a Costco membership! My arm feels like I benched after brushing my hair, it’s super nappy. Nappy to the point where I’ve debated buying ethnic products. I know how you sisters feel, trust me!
I got my hair cut + highlighted 2 months ago. I got a couple inches whacked off, nothing drastic. I’m debating my next hair move. . .
Should I cut the shizz off or what?!?
More highlights? Lowlights? Dye that mess brown?!
I’ve been known in the past to grow my hair longish then chop it off to my jaw, never been afraid of a big hurr change up until now. I think it’s because my body is so different post-baby + I lean on my hair as a long lustrous golden crutch. I always get compliments on 2 things: Hot Pocket + my hair. I told myself I wasn’t going to get a “mom cut” when HP was still in the microwave, but here I am muddling over the idea.
Suggestions are much welcome, but I have a feeling I’ll be too chicken to act upon any thing.
